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Jul. 4th, 2005 @ 06:15 pm Got Cig?
Express Yourself: frustratedfrustrated
OH MY GOD do I need a cigarette! Sam decided to take my last remaining cig in the pack, the one I was intentionally saving for later on in my shift. So now I'm stuck, surrounded by non-smokers and unable to buy any since I'm at work. GOD DAMN!

I'm ok, really...
Jun. 21st, 2005 @ 05:58 pm Random thoughts
Such a sad movie, When a Man Loves a Woman. I love it, but it's just plain sad. Reminds me of my brother in a lot of ways; the hiding, the decption, the co-dependency. I often wonder how he and Sandy are doing in their new marriage. It's strange to think he's now technically a father/grandfather at age 25.

I already miss the people I worked with at the Market. Had a great going away party with them a couple of nights ago, embarassingly enough, got drunk off two beers that night. Made tentative plans for bowling and volleyball later next week with a few of them and hope the plans come through. I don't want to lose touch with the friends I made there.

Allergies are once again kicking my ass. Can't breathe, legitimately this time. It was so fucking hot today. Running errands in the heat with a weak AC and non-tinted windows burned my ass up. Tried relaxing with my feet in the pool today and even the water was too hot. GD

Chicago is looking more and more like a reality. He got an e-mail yesterday (?) from the instuctor he'll be working with granting his request to shadow. So now it's all about finding a cheap, CHEAP place to live around Northbrook (?). Any Chi-town people out there know of a place that would be available in late fall?

I'm tired and bored, and dinner's ready...
Jun. 20th, 2005 @ 10:51 am
Express Yourself: nervousnervous
Rockin to: Tribe (once I jump in my car)
Start of a new job today and I am incredibly nervous. I called Sam (my best friend whom I'll be working with again) and he assured me my fears are ridiculous--that it's the easiest job ever and there's nothing to worry about. However, my shakes are the result of being a lifelong worry-wart and my neurosis, I'm afraid, always gets the best of me in these situations.

I'm also freaking out about my finances. Will I ever learn to spend my money the "responsible" way? The new job will help in time, I'm just afraid about making rent this month...car payments, phone, electric, credit cards still loom over my head with late and partial payments. And not having car insurance weighs so heavily on, not only mine, but everyone else's mind.

He and I are wonderful, although last night I let my thoughts take control and I fear I pushed him away a little as an attempt to ease my head. I don't want that to happen. I don't want him to have to experience my habitual mind-trips...we've got enough on our plate for me to fuck it up with petty freak-outs. The waters of our latest obstacle are finally starting to calm and I'm trying not to let ripples form. I love him, am falling IN love, and I never want to push him away with things that can easily be fixed by simply remembering to breathe.
Jun. 13th, 2005 @ 12:36 pm
Express Yourself: excitedexcited
Jun. 12th, 2005 @ 01:29 am "Best Ever"
Express Yourself: happyhappy
A perfect night. I wish all of our nights were like tonight. But with all the drama and hardships we've been through lately, it's been a hard feat to accomplish. I won't deny that you sometimes create flashbacks to my brother, memories and feelings that make it hard for me to live sometimes. But I love you and we'll get through the hard times if both of us keep the desire to keep our love alive. I can see it...you, sitting on our porch, 80 years old and smoking your pipe; and me, watching the neighborhood kids play in the street after dinner, lemonade in my hand and swinging on the porch swing. This dream can be reality if the Christmas lights stay hung (at least when I'm around), if life becomes, at least, bearable most of the time. Thankyou for tonight. I love you.
Jun. 6th, 2005 @ 02:39 pm Not all, but mostly good things
Express Yourself: hopefulhopeful
Rockin to: Louis XIV
I know I haven't been much for posting lately, sorry to those who will admit to missing my ramblings. Yesterday marked two months for him and I. He picked me up from work with a bouquet of my favorite flowers (daisies) and a card. It came as a complete surprise, especially since the night before we recognized that it would be two months and had decided that two months wasn't really that big of an anniversary (3 months started to be big). In any case, I loved it...I melted. Things are wonderful, he is wonderful.

I kicked ass in my interview today at the spa...pretty positive I got the position. Now all I have to decide is whether or not to keep working at the Market PT to get the creditors off my ass. I should hear by tonight or tomorrow at the latest whether I got it for sure.

I'm still pretty fucking freaked by the latest situation. Appointment is on Wednesday that will hopefully answer some questions and maybe put us at ease for a while. I feel as though this could fuck things up with us. I'm trying my best not to let it, but I'm scared of what he really thinks and feels when I'm not around. I know it weighs on him, I can see it in his eyes. Only two months in...not sure yet how to read what he's thinking and feel stupid when I ask him repeatedly. Ugh, day by day...no expectations, no assumptions...time will tell.

That's about it for now...off to the bookstore.
May. 29th, 2005 @ 06:20 pm
Express Yourself: energeticenergetic
Life is what you make of it.
At least that is what was taught
by the teachers, the mothers, the priests of way back when.

The difficulty of such truth becomes stunningly apparent when you start to fall "in love". It's when the falling begins when all that was taught is suddenly lost and you are left to venture that crazy labyrinth blind.

This feeling that is pulling on me is new and incredibly frightening to trust. Putting full trust into another is something my sisters, my family, my blood find as faults in our otherwise strong independence.

He has begun to tear down my walls, my weaknesses. It hasn't been long and we've already been forced through some hard times, times that I know will pass if we stick them out together. I'm scared and excited to see where things lead.
May. 25th, 2005 @ 12:53 pm
Express Yourself: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Rockin to: Turning Point
Not feeling very well today. Come to think of it, I haven't been feeling very well for about 3 weeks. Called the doctor and have an appointment this afternoon, so hopefully we can solve whatever mystery is going on in my body.

Went to an exclusive Absolut party at the Scottsdale Civic Center on Monday. Got myself all pretty-like and proceeded to get trashed on all the free drinks...not very pleasant, and was pretty embarrassed when Strato had to take care of me the whole night. I don't like getting so drunk that I can't control myself, but come on, free drinks! Sam and Jeremy got to meet my man for the first time. Went pretty well I think...Sam thought he was hot. Had a great time despite the spins and throwing up all night. Thank you Strato, I love you.

As for everything else in my life...
Things are going unbelievably good. I haven't been this happy for a long time.

Sorry to not have posted in a while, but things should calm down soon to the point where I have both the free time AND the desire to write. Until next time...
May. 14th, 2005 @ 12:26 am Someday
Express Yourself: indescribableindescribable
Rockin to: Buffalo Soldier
Tears have been shed.
He was right there with me.
How do I make these memories fade away,
will he run when I can't make my past disappear?
Is he true when he wishes it away?

Cold confusion clogs my thoughts, my feelings, my desires--
flashes that haunt my dreams and makes me cry though the sheets.

I've never been one to show vulnerability.
Weakness scares me to death.
But to disappoint is an even more frightening thought.

Someday when October vanishes from my concentration,
he won't feel frustration, annoyance, obligation.
Apr. 27th, 2005 @ 09:13 am
Express Yourself: blahblah
I cried in front of my GM yesterday at work--only the second time ever since I started working at the Market (the first was when a former supervisor ripped me up and down in front of a customer only to be proven wrong when the information I was giving them turned out to be correct). I was informed that the 40-year-old, Irish fuck-wit they made as my assistant actually makes the same pay as I, when, in all seriousness, this man can barely tie his own shoes without someone standing over him giving him directions. I feel like a fucking babysitter on the days we work together. As department head, I bust my ass getting all the needed builds completed, visual displays looking clean and tight, not to mention all the administrative work it takes to keep my customers happy and my sales figures up. I give Alan (my assistant) daily tasks to help with the furniture department and deadlines in which to complete said tasks. Out of a list of maybe 10 tasks for the day, I'll be lucky to get 2 completed correctly from him. All this is what is going through my mind while my GM is, by this time, trying, sympathetically, to keep my from balling in the office. He (my GM--Judd) said that he had even tried discussing the matter with our DM (District Manager) about possibly bringing Alan's pay down a notch as he is just as frustrated as I with Alan's work performance. Illegal, apparently. After all is said and done, the good news is that I am finally being promoted to supervisor within a week or so, so all this will be behind me. I just don't see why they won't fire Alan, or at least cut his hours until he starts getting things together and actually starts working at an acceptable pace.

After work, I knocked back a couple of beers with Sam and Jeremy, went over to visit Kim, and finally ended up at Strato's...the latter of all made all the frustrations disappear.

The rest of the morning will be spent with my man, lunch with my sister, back here at Strato's later tonight to send him off to surgery in the morning right.